So, Dan and I were having a beer tonight while cooking dinner, and, it hit me. Kids are another form of addiction. Only, without the oozing sores and dead teeth.
Don't believe me?? THINK ABOUT IT.
Let's review some common symptoms of addiction. I watch, "Intervention," on A&E, so, I'm pretty sure I'm just an online diploma away from being an expert.
Extreme mood changes – happy, sad, excited, anxious, etc (Hmm. Sounds like pregnancy to me.)
Sleeping a lot more or less than usual, or at different times of day or night (Oh, look! Clearly, this person has a newborn!)
Changes in energy – unexpectedly and extremely tired or energetic (again, sounds like a new baby is around!)
Weight loss or weight gain (Pregnancy)
Unexpected and persistent coughs or sniffles (Kids are germ factories, and, it's well known that germs are the only thing they willingly share.)
Seeming unwell at certain times, and better at other times (Baby blues)
Pupils of the eyes seeming smaller or larger than usual (I attribute this to never leaving the house, because with a new baby, often, you don't even know what day it is.)
Secretiveness (I hide to eat candy and other goodies alone.)
Lying ("Mommy is going to bed too, Hannah! I promise!")
Stealing (I steal my kids' Halloween candy. And Easter. And Christmas.....)
Financially unpredictable, perhaps having large amounts of cash at times but no money at all at other times (goes without saying when kids are involved.)
Changes in social groups, new and unusual friends, odd cell-phone conversations (I went from the party crowd to the mini-van crowd. I also may, at times, discuss my kids' pooping habits over the phone.)
Repeated unexplained outings, often with a sense of urgency (NO, HONEY!!! LET ME GO GET MILK!! I DON'T MIND AT ALL!!! It may take an hour or so, though.)
Drug paraphernalia such as unusual pipes, cigarette papers, small weighing scales, etc (I have baby wipes, cloth diapers, and coconut oil scattered throughout my house. Also, breast pump attachments.)
Lack of good hygiene (New parents are known to go for days without showering.*)
Loss of focus (I try to go on date nights with Dan sometimes, swearing I need a break. We end up talking about the kids.)
See? You start out with just one. Then, you're pretty sure you can handle another. It just goes from there. The next thing you know, you're spending all your extra money on the latest kids' fashion item on Etsy, while you're not even changing out of sweatpants before you go to the grocery store. You'd lie, cheat, and steal for them, and the whole time, you'll deny you have a problem. "They're my kids!!I don't have a problem!"
See? That's what all addicts say.
I should know. I'm one of them. Hell, I even do in-home daycare, because I NEED to be surrounded by children. Hmm. That came out creepy. Ya'll know what I mean.
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*Please don't chime in about how you had quintuplets, and not only showered daily, but also kept up on laundry, and cooked a full dinner every night. Or, if you do, don't leave your real name, because I hate you, and you're lying. Unless you live with Grandma. Then, it doesn't even count.
