Why you should NEVER do the whole, "Elf on a Shelf" tradition

Hi there. It's been awhile. Years, actually. I'm sorry... a lot of stuff happened, too. I had yet another child (Baby 4, Rebecca, aka Becks or Cheeks). We moved into a bigger home. I lost some friends, but I gained new ones (and I can say the same about inches on my body). Life highs, life lows, and events plentiful enough to fill volumes. But we're not talking about that today. Have patience.

I'm going to say this up front: My family participates in the Santa tradition. I don't care if you don't. I don't mean that in a negative way- I mean that in the, "You do whatever the fuck you want with your family, because I don't care" way. Yes. I'm lying to my kids, yada yada yada. I'm okay with that. I WANT my kids to believe. Sure, it's "magical," but I also enjoy having a scapegoat that they can't contact directly. Let's make a deal. You don't tell my kids the truth about Santa, and I won't tell yours that they're "missing out" on anything. Okay? okay.
 Back to the topic at hand.

The Elf.

 I used to be a fan. I'm not a fan anymore. "What?! Marilyn?? She was ALLLLL about the Elf 10 years ago!!" Yes, Dear Reader, I was. I loved coming up with zany antics for "Henry" to get into. I loved seeing the kids look for him each morning, and I loved that all I had to do to get my kids to stop acting like absolute shits was to say, "Henry! Do you see what _____ is doing? TELL SANTA FOR ME." HOWEVER, that was 10 years ago, when I only had two kids, more energy, and reasons to put a bra on every day. Times have changed.

Younger, more fun me did not consider the long term "investment." Remember those 4 kids? Yeah, at the time I was having them, I thought I was smart. "There's several years in between each one," said I. "That means only one in diapers at a time! If daycare is involved, only one monthly bill at a time! I'm so economically smart!!"

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Do you know what I did to myself? Starting next year, I will have a child in high school. And will continue to have one child at a time, with ZERO breaks, in high school, for SIXTEEN STRAIGHT YEARS. Every time one graduates, the next one enters as a freshman the following fall. I'm facing a long, desolate road of teenage years. Compared to the Elf curse, I'll take it.

You see, here's what they don't tell you about those snitch elves; once you start, you're locked in. I went through a divorce and custody battle that took three years, and honestly, it was probably still an easier commitment to break. We started the snitch elf tradition about 10 years ago. Now, my oldest is 14 (well, next week anyway, HOLY SHIT), and knows it's the parents. My youngest is a little under 2, and has no idea who Santa is, or why the hell there's a huge, brightly lit tree the in house that she's not allowed to touch.  In the middle, I have a 9 year old that's most likely caught on and won't admit it, and a 6 year old that is fully entrenched in the mindset that Santa is basically a genie about to grant her every wish. I pretty much have the whole spectrum of Santa belief under my roof right now.
 Remember me pointing out that I have sixteen straight years of high school coming up? Yeah, that applies to the snitch, too. Every time one of my kids outgrows the tradition, the next one really starts to understand, and gets into it, and it is RUINING MY LIIIIIIFE. I ran out of ideas for this damn elf two kids ago. I finally set an alarm, so it at least gets moved, but I KNOW Evie's wheels are spinning.... Her friends' elves all have great adventures, after all. Why isn't Henry silly?

Now Hannah.... Yes, HANNAH. You remember her. She once split her head open on a coffee table, and with a straight face, told the responding paramedics that I pushed her. THAT ONE. Let me tell you a delightful story from Tuesday morning, after she was finished getting dressed for school. Backstory... Henry is "out of town" at the moment. I'm a terrible person, and "Henry" wrote the kids a note basically telling them to get their shit together, and stop driving their mother up a wall. You know, the typical, "do your chores, you lazy ingrates" message from a snitch elf. He signed off by saying Santa would send him back when they started acting better, because I'm not above holding Christmas presents as a bargaining tool. I'm outnumbered.

Well, Tuesday morning, Hannah was sitting, playing on an iPad while she waited for it to be time to go catch the bus. Very casually, she said, "You know, Mom... I was thinking about that letter Henry left us. It sure sounds a lot like the things YOU say to us." Cue me, frozen in place, with my hot coffee partway to my lips. "Oh," I say. "I guess we think alike. Or, he probably saw me getting after y'all, and just went based off that."
"Maybe," says Hannah.
But Hannah's eyes don't say that. You know that Diddy gif from, "The Four?"  You know, where he stares blankly at Elijah Conner, and EC stares back? We reenacted that gif on the couch that morning. And now.... we're at an impasse. She's not ready to ask me the truth about our family's snitch, and just in case she DOES still believe, I'm not ready to bring it up myself.

It gets worse, y'all.

Hannah has been keeping herself up late. I'm pretty sure she's on a recon mission. Henry was going to "come back" last night, and there was a moment that nearly became a disaster. I was literally walking over to the hiding place, and behind me, Hannah's voice.
"Mom."
I about jumped out of my skin. "WHAT?! WHY ARE YOU IN HERE WITHOUT KNOCKING? WHY ARE YOU AWAKE??" She said she just couldn't sleep, so I walked her back to bed. The damage for the night was done though. I had to postpone his return again, and now we're both in terrible moods, because we're both tired, and we're both clearly watching each other like hawks.
To make matters EVEN WORSE, Hannah made a Christmas list that involves, "lots of tape, for secret things." She states this SEVERAL times in her letter to Santa; TAPE is the priority. Not fancy toys or electronics. NOOOOOOOO. My kid wants the favorite temporary restraint of kidnappers in the plot of every kidnapping movie, and she wants, in her words, "LOTS AND LOTS OF TAPE. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT."

My heart rate will probably stay elevated until Christmas is over. I'm watching my back, and loud noises are making me jump. Remember... I still have to wait Evie's belief out. And by then, I have Becca's. I can't think of a good cover story that both rids me of the responsibility of moving the snitch, and fulfill the requirement of being believed by my kids.

If I go missing, along with "LOTS AND LOTS OF TAPE,' you'll know why.

Also, don't get a snitch elf. Ever.